Common Queertesy: A Queer Etiquette Column (Vol. 2)
strained BBQs, polycule assumptions, and lipsticky situations
Hello and welcome to the second installment of Common Queertesy, the column where we read about and discuss the juicy queer etiquette situations we all find ourselves in!
Thrillingly, y’all sent in a lot of questions on this form right here last time we did this (thank you! my god the entertainment value of reading what you sent in was OFF THE CHARTS), so we’re gonna try to get through as many questions as we can before my second iced coffee of the day wears off.
Let’s gooooo!
If you’re new here and wondering why we’re talking about queer etiquette, please check out the first Common Queertesy post, and then come back here, because your well-mannered gay eyes are needed on other people’s problems!
Q: Hi Krista, I hope you are ready for a very lesbian question. The last time I had a BBQ at my house, my two partnered friends who are vegetarians asked in kind of a pushy way if there would be a separate grill for “everyone who doesn’t eat meat.” (They are the only two people in our friend group who don’t eat meat.) I said no, but that I would have fake meat hot dogs for them. They showed up and cooked their dogs in a pan on my stove. I thought this was fine but they were weird with me and acted like it was a big deal.
I'm having another BBQ soon and they’re invited. Is there something I should do different this time?
-T
A: No.
I understand inviting them to your BBQ again (we will not be messing with complicated queer friend group dynamics over something this small!) but: Your two friends were being rude to you, T. They have special dietary needs different from the rest of the group; fine. They alerted you; good. You accommodated them within reason; great! You bought them hot dogs they could eat, which was thoughtful of you. It is reasonable to offer your stove and pans so they can cook the hot dogs they can eat. It is not reasonable for them to expect you to have a separate grill (!!!!! in this economy???) just for them.
When you invite these two next time, you might try suggesting they bring their own separate grill. Like a little round Weber, or a camp stove. They might do this, and that’d be cute! Two lil’ grills smoking away. But it’s a pain in the ass to pack up and lug around a camp stove or grill, so my guess is that they won’t do this, and they’ll end up in your kitchen again. And this should be fine! Write me back if it’s not fine, wtf! Try and ignore them if they act put out; it’s hard to eat differently from your friends in a social situation, even if the difference is by choice. You can head outside, cleared of all unspoken weird vibes, happy in the knowledge that you did what you reasonably could.
(Doing what you “reasonably could,” btw, includes not doing a dramatic reenactment of this scenario later for all your omnivore friends and then having an exclusive shared joke where you all ask each other “Will there be a separate grill, though?” anytime you’re planning anything together for the next two years.)
If that’s closer to what’s going to happen, perhaps we do need to mess with the complicated queer friend group dynamics, yes?
Q: What is a polite way to let someone know that you want to invite them to something without them automatically inviting their polycule to come too? My friend doesn’t seem to get that sometimes it’s cool to bring extra people and sometimes it makes things awkward for the person hosting if they’re cooking/hosting at home/only wanted their close friends to come.
-Marmite
A: Oh wow, I hate this question!
I hate this question, Marmite, because just you writing it means this situation is happening to you enough to have it be a thing.
Is this–
Are we now– you guys, who is doing this? Show yourselves!!!!
The classics aren’t good enough for us anymore? It isn’t bad enough to do the traditional thing – to constantly assume your one partner is invited to everything and bring them everywhere without asking, a time-honored way to piss all your closest friends off? We’re doing this now??? Bringing our polycule everywhere with us?? Fuck!
Marmite, I am really sorry, but you’re going to have to be direct, here. This behavior is outrageous!!!! and we need to stop it immediately. When you’re inviting this friend to something and you don’t want their polycule (or anyone else) to be towed along as their entourage, try saying something like:
“I’m getting Thai food and watching the Real Housewives on Thursday. Do you want to come over? [your friend says yes] Do you mind if it’s just you and me? I like all your partners, and I’ve also been missing hanging out with you lately. I’d love to have it just be us.”
The key is to say this in a really casual tone, like it is very normal for you to be asking for this. (Because it is very normal for you to be asking for this.) But however normal your tone, we know this is a delicate operation; caution and care must be taken. So we state that we like the partners. (It’s not the partners!) We also state that we are missing alone time with our friend (which is true! and something that most friends can understand! who wouldn’t miss their devastating wit and undivided attention?) We then make that emphatic statement: “I’d love to have it just be us.”
I don’t see your friend being able to ignore something stated as clearly as that. But then again, people surprise me all the time!
If you’re, say, having a small get-together and inviting other friends over, but you definitely don’t want the polycule to show up, you’re again going to have to be direct, Marmite. In that case, how about:
“I’m having a couple people over for a fire on Saturday. It would just be me, Carrie, Charlotte, Sam, Miranda, and you. Nobody’s bringing anybody else. Do you want to come?”
Again, casual tone (what you’re asking for is normal!) and stated social expectations for the evening. You get out of emphatically not inviting the polycule by listing who’s going and saying what the group won’t be doing (i.e. bringing other uninvited guests.)
My hottest tip for dealing with this situation, though, is this, Marmite: Schedule your one-on-one plans with your friend way, way in advance. Like, a month or more in advance. If your friend has an established and active polycule, then their calendar is likely very! tightly! scheduled! with little margin for spontaneous hangs. The best way to see your friend one-on-one is probably to book them at least 30 days out, like a restaurant that has great food and a hostess who just shakes her head and laughs if you try to walk in without a reservation.
Q: Hi! My partner of 8 months is awesome– I want to say that right off the bat. Here is the issue: we’ve been having the stupidest fight about lipstick. They hate it when I get lipstick on their face or neck when we kiss. They think it’s super rude for me to get it on them and they actually don’t like lipstick at all, like I know they wish I didn’t wear it. I identify as femme and I don’t feel like myself without it. Can you settle this? Is it wrong for me to wear lipstick when I know my partner hates it? Who’s right?
-Any Name is Fine
A: You are.
I mean, sure, it’s understandable that someone might not like getting marked by lipstick. It smears. It stains clothes. Logically, I get that. But how did you two even get together, then? I assume you were probably wearing lipstick all the time when you first started dating, right? Why is this now a problem?
Ugh. If you really wanted, you could carry makeup remover wipes around with you, or you could experiment with ultra-long-wear lipstick or lip stains, but I’ve yet to meet a lipstick that is entirely makeout-proof, and…
you know what, without knowing any details about your relationship at all, and being fully aware that you’re almost certainly going to ignore my unsolicited relationship advice, let me just say this: I think you should dump this person.
I don’t care if they’re awesome. Not even if they’re so awesome that you had to immediately tell me how awesome they are before you said anything else (which makes me suspicious that they are maybe? not all that awesome.)
Do you have any idea – ANY IDEA – how many queers out there would LOVE to be covered in your femme lipstick kisses???? Jesus christ. I can’t stand it!!! The LOSS to our COMMUNITY!!!! Staggering!!!
OK. I’m breathing deeply though my nose. You didn’t ask for this, but the reason I think you should dump this person is that lipstick makes you feel good, like the best version of your femme self. Without it, you said you don’t feel like yourself. This “stupid” argument about lipstick is therefore not actually about lipstick – it’s about your partner wanting to change something essential about you. This is a huge red-lipsticked flag.
I recognize this as a huge red flag because I’ve been through enough different versions of this situation to finally get the solution hammered through my thick skull. (Thanks for so many lessons, Universe!💋)
Dump this person. Save yourself several queer relationship years of feeling… smaller. Of having your light feel dimmer. Maybe they are great outside of this issue, but believe me, you don’t want to see what happens next when your partner realizes you’re willing to change core facets of who you are for them. Don’t stop wearing lipstick; instead, consider only giving your gorgeous femme lipstick kisses to someone who really wants them. Someone who wants them so bad they’d consider getting one of those lipstick-print neck tattoos. (Because those queers are out there, and they are whining about the lack of femmes in their life as we speak!!!)
Learn from someone who found out the hard way, lots of times: Don’t ever date someone who wants you to be less like yourself.
That’s it for this round of Common Queertesy: A Queer Etiquette Column! Thanks for reading!
Do YOU have a queer etiquette question?
"This “stupid” argument about lipstick is therefore not actually about lipstick – it’s about your partner wanting to change something essential about you. This is a huge red-lipsticked flag."
THIS! This all day long.
For your final question: 💄
https://youtu.be/0DBG7v7yFRs?si=GI0DVI1qUpH3z0FE