Common Queertesy: A Queer Etiquette Column (Vol. 4)
broken hips, hottie compliments, and check fights
Good morning! It’s been a minute since we did an installment of Common Queertesy and the gayass questions are PILING UP in my inbox!!!
Today we’re gonna do a fast n’ dirty edition because it’s Pride week in Minneapolis and ~once again~ I did not take any time off work for Pride (why is it that i can’t learn) and my dad just broke his hip and is coming home tomorrow from rehab, and that means the 23,000 open search tabs on my computer are all like “motorized power lift recliner” and “DIY convert tub to walk-in shower” nestled up next to “wet look bodycon minidress” and “topless legal minnesota?”
We don’t have time to dilly-dally, is what I’m saying! Let’s get into it!!
If you’re new here and wondering why we’re talking about queer etiquette, please check out the first Common Queertesy post, and then come back here, because your well-mannered gay eyes are needed on other people’s problems!
Q: I’m a queer woman, and I usually would never comment on someone’s appearance in public one way or the other, but can I tell someone at a queer-specific event or location that I think they’re hot? And if so, how? I don’t want to be creepy.
-Demi
A: GOD YES. TELL SOMEONE AT A QUEER EVENT THAT YOU THINK THEY’RE HOT.
Sorry to shout, Demi, but for fuck’s sake, we are not collectively complimenting each other nearly enough and there is simply no reason for it!!!! We’re all the hottest people alive, looking gay and sexy on a burning planet and the world could end at any moment, what could we possibly be waiting for??
So, yes: Do this. Tell someone at a queer event that you think they’re hot. Take a teeny risk. It will make someone’s night. Hell, it could make someone’s week! That person you want to compliment? They’ve been out all night, doing fruity stuff, in that outfit, looking incredible, and it’s possible that no one has complimented them yet. The audacity!!!!!
Imagine if someone walked up to you at a queer event and told you that you looked hot! Would you be delighted?
There’s your answer, bb! BE BRAVE, COMPLIMENT SOMEONE.
Unless.
Unless the person you want to compliment is clearly busy working at the event. (We would not try to get the individual attention of a slammed bartender, a besieged dancer, a waiter, a celebrity guest, a security guard with a line, or anyone who is obviously being paid to be at the event and can’t leave.)
Unless that person is actively engaged with a big group of friends. (We would not single one person out of a group and tell them, in front of their friends, that they’re hot, while excluding others in the group.)
Unless that person is giving off strong “don’t approach me” vibes. (We would not approach someone wearing airpods, big headphones, or a hood over their head at a public queer event, nor would we go up to someone clearly having a text-fight in a corner, or someone dancing alone, eyes closed in ecstasy, obviously out to dance by themselves. We also would not march right on up to someone wearing a mask in a public setting if we were not wearing a mask ourselves (and even then, we wouldn’t get real close.))
Unless you want to compliment a person’s body, or a part of that person’s body. (Nope. Don’t do this with someone you don’t know.)
You don’t have to jump immediately into using the word “hot,” either, if that feels like too much. It is not creepy – in fact, I would argue that it is the opposite of creepy – to tell someone:
“I love your outfit!”
“You look so great, wow!”
“Your makeup is STUNNING!”
“Oh my god, you look so good in that!”
Most people, in general, would likely enjoy hearing something like this from another person. They did put an effort into what they chose to wear to the queer event, thank you so much for noticing!
You think someone at a gay shindig looks great? TELL ‘EM.
What’s the worst that could happen? They give you a weird look and say “ew” ?
Babe, what’s the best thing that could happen? What if you’re sitting in a rocking chair on a porch 40 years from now, watching the sun set over the land you collectively bought with your queer friend group, holding hands with your lover and both of you laughing your asses off about the night you met – that moment when you told them they looked hot in a pair of thrifted 90s Gap flared jeans?
Q: I’ve been on two first dates lately. On one, I (masc) asked a femme out, and she paid the bill at the front when she came back from the bathroom. On the other, a femme asked me out, and she paid, even though I tried to pay. Please settle who pays for the first date, I’m dying out here!
-Born Nervous
A: This one’s (sort of) easy.
Officially, my stance for queer first dates is “if you ask someone out, you pay; if they ask you out, they pay.”
I don’t care how you identify, Born Nervous: If you ask someone out, I think you should be fully prepared to pay on the first date. And if someone asks you out, you should be prepared to let them pay for you.
But but but.
Things can get sticky, because people sometimes fight to pay the bill.
Or, even if they initiated the date, people sometimes hesitate for a second too long when the bill arrives, making it awkward for the person they invited.
People also sometimes do sneaky-yet-chic things, like pay on the way back from the bathroom. (You know who might do something like this? A hot femme with severe top energy. Let them, and thank them, and ask them on another date if you liked them!!! )
So my unofficial stance is that you gotta do what works best for both of you in the moment. Like:
If someone asked you out to drinks or dinner and now the bill is here and they are not reaching for it, consider offering to split it! Even if you are surprised, or mildly annoyed!
If you asked someone nice out and they fuggin’ insist on paying, or secretly pay, just accept defeat and thank them! (And try to pay for them next time.)
If someone asked you to coffee and has just ordered and is now blinking innocently at the cash register, save the poor barista and offer to pay! (If you can afford it.) And then – this is important – remember that this happened. This – an ::expectation:: that you’re going to pay, while pretending a wallet is a foreign object – is red flag behavior, and it’s something to keep an eye on if you move forward.
In the future, Born Nervous, you can avoid any confusion about who’s paying by asking someone out and then saying, “This my treat, obviously” in a confident tone before your date orders. No matter how much top energy your date has, it would be bad manners to override you after you say that.
Alternatively? You could just go for a walk. Or meet at the park. Who says you have to sit across a table from someone to fall in love???
That’s it for this round of Common Queertesy: A Queer Etiquette Column! Thanks for reading!
Do YOU have a queer etiquette question?
I treasure every column in this series in my overly polite queer little heart 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
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