Mood Busters
don't make me turn this car around
Morning! (And helloooo to everyone who found me via the indecently fun chat I had with Anne Helen Peterson for The Culture Study Podcast! I’m so glad you’re here!💖)
And.. whooo, have I been in a mood lately. Just like a glaring, side-eyed MOOD all week. Nothing can please me! No item on the day’s agenda sounds good, no matter what it is!
I can’t put my finger on why, either. Nothing’s actually wrong. I mean, yes, the election, and yes, everything bad in the world that’s happening, and also the days are suddenly so much shorter and darker and work keeps asking me to work(?outrageous), but… unless you count Teddy rolling in something dead just two hours after I took him to the self-service dog wash, everything’s mostly fine.
That hasn’t stopped me from being a little gay storm cloud all week, though. For god’s sake, I was glowering while getting ready to go to the opening of a new queer youth drop-in center in Minneapolis this weekend.
Literally pouting! about having to get dressed so I could go celebrate babyqueers having a fun, safe space and some joy! And this was an event with a live DJ, drag, and free ice cream.
If free ice cream can’t make me happy, nothing can. I slouched around the new, beautiful youth center, grateful that this space existed, but also squinting at all the (adorable) rainbow fidget-toy giveaways that the kids were loving, thinking, “Just look at all this single-use plastic.”
At one of the activity tables, an 11-year-old child covered in queer temporary flag tattoos began pointing to each flag on their skin and quizzing me about what each of them stood for. Now, for a moment, I excelled – I got the trans flag, the genderqueer one, and the pansexual one; babe, I even got the polyamory flag.
But when I did not immediately recognize the demisexual flag on the inside of their forearm, this kid fuggin’ roasted me.
“I can’t believe you don’t know what that is,” they said, their eyes bugged.
I shrugged. “Can’t win ‘em all!”
“Everyone knows what that flag is,” the kid said.
“I don’t have them all memorized,” I said.
“It’s not really that hard.”
I opened my mouth to continue explaining, but then I realized I was defending myself against someone who had untied shoes and a bright blue tongue, so I just stared at the kid until they backed away from me.
I came home from the event, threw my purse onto the couch, and slithered evilly into the kitchen. Davin came in from the backyard, took one look at my face, and said, “Do you need some time by yourself?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be outside.”
He inched out of the kitchen, making sure to keep his back to the wall.
What do you do when you need to pull yourself out of a funk?
I only have four major mood-changing moves, and they’re all obvious, and I’ve deployed them all this week already. My strategies are:
1. Taking a Nap
If something can’t be made better with a nap, then it’s not a problem that can be solved today. Overwhelmed? Take a nap. Weepy? Take a nap, so you can wake up with puffy eyelids that remind everyone to be nice to you for the rest of the day! Pretty sure everyone and everything in the world is made out of humid garbage? YOU NEED A NAP.
It’s not even necessarily about sleeping; it’s all about going into a room, shutting the door, burrowing under the covers, and not being perceived by anyone. No one can see you or reach you! If you keep your phone’s vibration notifications off, you can pretend it’s 1992 and you’ve unplugged your phone from the wall in a fit of high drama! And if something terrible happens, you won’t even know until you’re finished with your nap and fully rested, ready to take on whatever the universe has brought you while you were removed from society!
A nap is 10x better if a freshly washed and penitent dog joins you and curls into the small of your back, and 50x better if it’s sunny and beautiful outside and you really should be out there enjoying the weather.
A nap is 1000x better if your beloved extroverted partner has once again forgotten to tell you that people are coming over to hang out in your home, and then, once they all arrive and you’re ten minutes into chatting, you say you’re “going upstairs to check on something quick,” and you proceed to wash your face, get into pajamas, turn on white noise, put in earplugs, and smile diabolically to yourself as the shadows begin to lengthen across the bedroom ceiling.
2. Baking Something Simple
Does the smell of baked goods comfort you, or fill you with fear?
In our house, you have 50/50 odds. If I’m baking, I’m either in a winning, apron-on, smiling-lesbian-tradwife mood, or…
Well, let’s hope what I’m making turns out.
If you’re in a shitty mood, and nothing is going right, there’s nothing like baking something simple. (It has to be simple because if you bake something and it’s bad, the bad mood is multiplied by one million percent!!) This year, I’ve been making a lot of Lindy West’s Valentine’s Day Sex Granola, because she taught me via her Substack that GRANOLA IS UNBELIEVABLY OVERPRICED and that any silly baby can make it!! I mean, did you know that all you need to make granola is oats, any fat (butter, coconut oil, olive oil, whatever), any sticky substance in your baking cupboard (honey, sugar, molasses, agave, who cares), and any weird old nuts and dried fruit you have rolling around in the back of your pantry? And that all you do is get the oats n’ nuts wet with the fat and sticky stuff, and then flatten everything and dry it all out in your oven? It’s true! There are granola companies at your local co-op right now who think it’s OK to charge you $9 for a tiny bag of the cheapest treat in the history of baked goods, and someone has to stop them, and that someone could be you!!!
Anyway. What I’m saying is: If you’re in a bad mood, and you bake something simple that you already know how to bake, you will feel productive and you’ll get a snack, which you probably need, if you’re in a bad mood.
3. Taking a Walk
I’d rather not move. If I’m lying down, I want to stay there. If I’m sitting, getting up seems like a lot. But I also know I always feel better after I take a walk, no matter how crabby I feel before I go. So this year, I decided to see if getting a step-tracker would motivate me to walk more.
It does. It makes walking feel less like a chore I don’t want to do and more like a game I have to win. I absolutely never want to talk about this again, but I track my steps now, and I am extremely! annoyed! to report that it’s helping me be in a better mood more often.
I like the way my tracker buzzes me when I’ve been sitting too long and squinting at a screen, and I like the little celebratory pulse-buzzes it does when I’ve reached 10,000 steps. I like waking up and knowing I have to go outside and walk around, or I won’t hit my numbers, and I like going the long way around the block with the dogs, just to make sure I do. I also like seeing how the seasons change slightly every day, and I like keeping tabs on the tiniest movements of all my neighbors. For instance, did you know that one of my neighbors just got a new floor lamp in their living room??? It’s really ugly!
Going for a stupid little daily walk outside has turned out to be the thing (after a nap) I need most when I’m in a bad mood, and I desperately wish it wasn’t true but it IS. Fuck!!
Pro tip: To get to 7,000 steps without even trying each day, all you need is ADHD and a phone you are perpetually setting down and then looking for!
4. Taking a Bath
Or a shower. Either one will turn things around.
Unless the water suddenly runs cold, nothing bad can happen to you when you’re scrubbing yourself with fluffy froths of cleansing, immaculate soap. It’s science! Everyone knows that when you’re in steamy hot water, mindlessly rubbing tiny bubbly circles on your chest for whole minutes on end while staring off into space, you’re protected from all problems. You’re too pure for problems! You’re simply too clean – too clean for troubles; too clean for a bad mood to stick to you.
Baths and showers are game-changers when you’re in a funk. They’ll change your whole outlook on life!! And I think everyone knows this already, and I also think it’s getting to the bath or shower that’s the problem with this one. My friend Lola once explained to me that the shower is the “wet world” and the rest of the world is the “dry world.” When you’re in the dry world, Lola says, the wet world sounds ridiculous. Like way too much effort. Way too much change. How could you be in the wet world? You’re in the dry world. Nothing can be different than how it is right now!! But once you’re in the wet world, you’re loving it. It’s amazing. The wet world is all there is; there’s only the wet world, and you don’t ever want to leave.
When Lola explained this to me, I felt it in my bones. Here it was: the reason behind why I’ll snap at anyone who suggests I take a bath when I’m having a hard time, even when I know it will relax me. It’s switching worlds! From dry to wet! It’s so much change!!
But once you’re in there, the wet world is amazing. And– did you know? as a legal adult, you can have whatever nonsense you like to have in the shower! Do you like expensive soap? You can have it!! Expensive soap is not as expensive as, say, buying a car, so actually, you’re being fiscally responsible! Is there a special suction-cup beverage holder on the wall of your shower? Why not??
Why not have an inflatable shell-shaped bath-pillow, or play opera music at full volume while you lounge in bubbles like homosexual in an 80s movie, or put a small crystal bell next to the tub and ring it with a gay, merry tinkle to alert your partner – who has said before that they love you and care about your mental health – to the fact that you need an ice-cold can of seltzer brought to you? The more outlandish your bath or shower situation, the faster you’ll feel better. Again: science!
What am I missing on this list? What turns your mood around when you’re having a crap time? I need to know so I don’t scowl at more queer children!!
I think you’ve got a good list!! HALT is a good acronym for when you’re feeling off: hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
One thing you missed but alluded to is having a snack! It’s very easy to get hangry. Instead of a sadly portioned, single-use plastic (bah!) container of something, though, make it SUMPTUOUS. Cube some fancy cheese. Have a favorite party cracker on hand. Get the fancy peanut butter or hummus. Get those little baby carrots because life is SHORT. Have a lil wine if you can — why not! People day drink in Europe constantly, and they’re mostly fine. (Conversely, pretend you’re a Boxcar Kid or a poor little Victorian child who’s run away into the woods with naught but a crust of bread, a hunk of cheese, and idk, probably still the wine tbh. Add DRAMA.)
One thing people forget to attend to is sensory needs. Do you need some earplugs or noise-canceling headphones? Are you wearing something with a good texture/temperature and no annoying tags? Do you need to smell something nice, whether it’s baking, the outdoors, or perfume? Would a good art book or Pinterest dive into something aesthetic be pleasing? Do you need to do something with your hands (which, no matter how normal, is stimming)? Just things to think about!
Um masturbation? AND then a nap! 🤭