❤️My Super-Expensive Wildly Unrealistic Aspirational Gift Guide!!!❤️
jk everything is $5 or less
Hi hunnybun!
What’s your love language?
Mine is all of them 💅, but! my major ones are “acts of service” and “gifts”, which is why I will fall in love with you if you shovel the driveway while I’m sleeping or bring me home “a surprise” from the grocery store.
If I’m being honest, you could probably set a trap for me with a single well-hung shelf and a fistful of gas station carnations. It’s dangerous out here for cheap softies!
Now, because my main love languages are “acts of service” and “gifts”, I also love to give presents. And because I love to give presents, I love reading holiday gift guides and bookmarking all the wild presents I find (like, look at this table! and look at this ring from the 1st century!! i die) while muttering “the second i win the lottery it’s over for you hoes” and clicking “Next” at the bottom of the 47th page of the Sotheby’s online catalogue.
The only problem with all of this?
Welp, it’s that even pretty normal-seeming gift guides are out of my price range. This is not a tale of woe – I just think a lot of “normal” gift guides are out of a lot of people’s price range! I adore giving presents, but someone recommending $80 cashmere socks as a “stocking stuffer”, or suggesting a “wonderfully giftable commuter tote” for $268?
Honey. Who is giving a $79 bottle of amaro as a “creative and thoughtful hostess present”???
(And if it’s you, do you want to come over?)
It’s just– the holiday season is nuts. It’s easy to lose all perspective when it’s been Black Friday for approximately 102 days and you’re constantly dealing with the evil twin twinks on your shoulder – one of whom is dramatically weeping about not being able to buy your queer scholar friend (who really deserves it) a 1907 set of the complete works of Oscar Wilde, which are “bound in full purple morocco leather with floral inlay and ornate gilt-tooling on covers,” and the other of whom is yelling, “LET’S GET IT, BITCH WE’LL PUT IT ON AFTERPAY!!!”
Almost none of us can afford to give our beloveds the gifts they really deserve.
That’s because our beloveds deserve the world, and most of us are just regular people, trying to get through the holiday season without going broke.
There’s good news, though. You ready?
Your loved ones don’t care about how much you spend on them.
There. I said it.
Your loved ones (unless they are children) do not care that you can’t afford to get them that funny gay t-shirt or that amazing set of earrings or that hand-polished set of silver D&D dice.
They don’t. Your friends and families and partners love you. Not your wallet. Not your ability to buy them ornate carabiners or absolutely perfect tabletop lighters. Your loved ones, if y’all are doing gifts this season, simply want to feel that you thought about them.
That’s all.
And we can do that for $5 or less.
Here’s my $5-or-Less Guide to Gifting (If You Need Presents for People But Don’t Have Much Money and Haven’t Started Shopping Yet and Are Maybe Starting to Get a Little Worried):
1. DIY Votive Candle
Get yourself to the grocery store or the Dollar Tree, my darling, because you can buy a tall-as-hell votive candle in a glass jar for $1.25, and then you can buy adhesive-backed gems for another couple of bucks, and then what do you have?
The world’s most customizable gift, perfect for any person in your life!! The possibilities are endless, here. Just think of how many funny rhinestoned words would work on a candle like this, or how many things you could do with one. These candles come in lots of colors, and they burn for something like 30 hours, and every time your recipient burns it, they’ll remember you with fondness, their eyes gently misting!
I mean… you can cover a glass votive with glued-on pompoms. If you want. You can hot-glue a small object to the front of it. You can use a Sharpie to write your wishes for your friend in the coming year on one! You can dip the sides of the glass in glitter, or paint a beautiful gay mural, or write out a poem and glue it on one side and add stickers! You could cut a picture of Beyoncé out of a magazine with an x-acto knife, paste it to the front, add a glitter halo, and presto: You’ll have a Beyoncé prayer candle for someone special!
People really like these, and a DIY candle means you are both thoughtful and thrifty. Everybody wins!!
2. Hollow Book
You know what someone doesn’t have, probably? A hollow book. You know what’s fucking cool? A HOLLOW BOOK.
These are so easy to make! All you need to do is go to a secondhand shop, pick out a cheap hardcover book, and go to town!! I like to pick a book that I know the recipient would never read, or something with a truly embarrassing title, as shown above. This is for two reasons:
It is funny; and
It helps your recipient remember which book is their special hollow book, which is useful because they’re going to use your hollow book as a secret stash spot, and it’s good to be able to remember which of the hundreds of books you own is, say, the hollow book where you keep your passport, if you happen to be leaving for the airport 20 minutes behind schedule.
It’s also fun to fill the hollow book with the giftee’s favorite candy, especially if their favorite candy is loose peanut M&Ms.
3. Bake a Cake
Do you know what happens if you bake a cake for someone who likes cake?
I’ll tell you what happens: THEY GO APESHIT.
It’s true! If you know someone has a sweet tooth, a cake makes a fabulous present, especially if you write something hilarious on it, or fuggin’ make it rain with sprinkles. No one ever gets their own cake, unless it’s their birthday, and then they frequently have to share! And, sad fact: Most people do not bake themselves a whole cake that often.
You can’t bake? Well, guess what else? Most people who like cake secretly or openly love box mix cake, and a box of cake mix is less than $2. To make an entire 2-layer cake!! A STEAL!! And there are gluten-and-dairy-free cake mixes, too! And they are also still cheap, and usually right next to the regular cake mixes at the grocery store!
Oh, you want frosting, too?
A can of frosting is under $2. Some of the simplest joys in life are still affordable!
***Cake-related tip***Were you aware that – if you give someone a whole cake and they are delighted but also concerned because now they have “too much cake” – they can slice it up and put each slice into a freezer bag? Then they can have a random piece of cake whenever they want it for months. Takes five mins to defrost! CAKE 4EVER, UR WELCOME.
4. Something Weird From the Thrift Store
Only you will know what the right object is. One time at the thrift store, I found a perfect boxed set of an elusive 80s YA series called The Cheerleaders that only my one friend and I seem to remember, and it was $4. The scream that my friend emitted when I gave her the boxed Cheerleaders set practically lit my hair on fire, keeping me warm for many holiday seasons to come.
One time my sister came over and, without a word, handed me a solid lead-crystal Kleenex box-cover. She saw it at the thrift store and knew it was for me. This crystal Kleenex box-cover weighs at least five pounds, and there has never been a day since that I have not used it and looked at it with grateful respect and admiration.
You’ll just know. There is a bizarre set of frosted 90s martini glasses waiting to be a great gift at the thrift store right now. Somewhere out there, there is a hand-knitted winter hat that says “Cougars” on it. It’s made for your friend. Go find it.
5. Plant Cutting in a Container
Look, this is free. It is also a Very Good Present! Six years ago, when Davin and I moved into our first apartment together, a neighbor brought over a single cutting of one of her plants, rooted inside a beer can with the lid cut off, and just LOOK at it now!! [See above.] So bountiful! The number of cuttings of this plant I have given away! And all of them thriving in their new homes!
People (especially queers) love plants, and they especially love plants when they’re already planted in a container. This part is crucial, and it’s because we are also a hopeful and craft-aspirational people. We really do think we’re going to take the other free cuttings we get from our friends (and put in our pockets, wrapped in damp paper towels) and plant them right when we get home, and we never do. Eight days later, when we put our hands in our pockets again, the devastation is total.
So why not? You’re telling me you don’t have one of those squat glass jelly jars hanging around, or an odd little cup you never use? You do, and I know it! Put some dirt in it, plant your lil’ plant cutting, tie a ribbon around it, and voila! A present! A free present that shows you remembered and you care! Something that will grow larger and beautify someone else’s space!
People love you, my love. They want your time and attention, not a bougie $65 candle that you had to split into 3 payments on Affirm to buy. They don’t want you to go broke pretending you can afford holiday gifts if you actually can’t. I promise.
A gift doesn’t have to be big, or showy, or expensive. A gift can be small and simple and thoughtful.
I know we all know this, but I think it’s good to remind ourselves, ya know?
It’s not about the money.
It was never meant to be❤️
I adore you!! I enjoyed reading this so much.
This is brilliant and I would love all of these