NSW

New Summer (W)resolutions

Teddy screaming about sunshine

Hi cutiepie!

I blinked and it was summer? That’s what it feels like—like suddenly I have no appropriate shoes and getting dressed is this strange puzzle I can’t seem to solve by wearing the same things I wore all winter. Weird!

I know I feel like this because I just spent the last two months trapped inside the beige rooms of Big Hospital with my dad, but jesus. Who could have predicted it would ever be hot out again??? NOT ME!!!

Davin and I have put our heads together and decided that Summer 2025 is our Summer of Fun. To make this happen, Davin has solemnly sworn not to take on any all-encompassing house projects that ruin his life (last summer he turned our dark, creepy, unfinished cement basement into a full apartment with a separate entry that we now rent out), and I have agreed to not take on any contract freelance gigs with ridiculous deadlines. And also to go outside, ever.

We’re gonna be grilling. Tubing down the Cannon River. Sitting under big stripey deck umbrellas, jumping into lakes, and—crucially—remembering to go to the Northfield public pool right at 6 PM, which is the time that everyone in Northfield eats dinner, meaning there are zero children at the pool from 6-8 PM.

We’re gonna do it all. We can have goals, but it’s the Summer of Fun!!!

Here are my 2025 Summer of Fun resolutions:

Swan Boats are happening.

Do you SEE these fuggin’ boats? This could be us!!

These paddleboats—these MAJESTIC SWAN paddleboats—are a 37-minute drive from my house. I have meant to get in one of these graceful and beautiful bird boats for three summers running. It has never yet happened for me, although I have spent months of my life pleading with my loved ones to get their shit together about this.

Here’s the thing, though: We’ve tried. When we have gotten our shit together, something always, always happens. The rental place is closing early for no reason; the rental place isn’t open because it’s a holiday; the swan boats aren’t allowed on the lake because there might be a storm later; it’s too hot on the day we planned and everyone feels lethargic; we’re all hungry and need to eat dinner first but we’ll never make it to the boats before they close; someone’s sick and can’t be the fourth pair of legs needed to paddle the big 4-person swan boat, which is the only one we want…

what IS this??? Why is the universe doing this to me??? Is there something I don’t understand—a piece of the campy, gay-ass high femme summer boating puzzle I’m missing?? Will setting foot in one of these paddlebirds set something evil and irreversible in motion on the placid waters of Lake Nokomis??

SO BE IT, I will do anything to paddle around the lake in an elegant swan boat, ANYTHING!!!

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REAPPLY sunscreen

There is something in my brain that makes me think “😇all done😇” when I put sunscreen on my face in the morning.

That something is going to give me skin cancer. This is the year I carry a little stick of face-sunscreen around with me in my purse, and I put it on every couple of hours, I swear to god!!!

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Befriend the crows in my yard

About 10 crows hang out in the tree that dangles over our backyard fence, and crows are so interesting and intelligent and I’ve read so many books about them and I love this insta account, and I am interested in gaining these crows’ trust and then forming a gang with them. Possibly our shared goal would be to rob men in khakis, I haven’t really fleshed this one out yet.

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Go kayaking even one time

You know what Davin and I own? Kayaks. Neon-blue, matching kayaks. One summer day in 2018, I suggested that Davin and I go rent kayaks and paddle around the chain of lakes in Minneapolis, which is something I see smiling and happy-looking people doing all the time. Davin agreed that this would be fun, and then we looked up how much it costs to rent two kayaks (Davin: “I’m not sharing a kayak, that’s how people break up”) for the day and we both shrieked.

Then I looked up “cheapest possible kayak” and discovered there were two molded-plastic discount kayaks in stock at a Fleet Farm twenty minutes from our Minneapolis apartment. “They’ll pay for themselves in just three days of not-renting them!” we said to each other in the truck on the way to get them.

You know how many times we’ve taken the kayaks out?

Twice.

Moving with, storing, and consistently seeing two electric-blue plastic kayaks that haven’t earned out after seven years of ownership is enough to make me really think about our life choices. We either kayak one time with them this summer, or the next pair of queers we know that gets married after less than a single year of co-habitation is getting a wedding gift designed to delight and instruct.

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Obtain an entire patio set for free

I deleted Facebook entirely in 2019. History, pictures, data, everything. I have not missed it for a single second, and have since felt privately condescending and smug whenever anyone would say something like, “Well, I would delete it, except for event invites” to me.

… And then my friend Shay told me about all the free stuff she gets on FB marketplace. And she began sending me listings for patio furniture.

Cheap patio furniture. Cheap vintage amazing patio furniture. Some of it is (i feel like i need to whisper, here) free.

I cannot believe this is happening to me, but I really want—nay, I yearn—to sit on my deck in something other than a red canvas camping chair, and I am also not willing to pay any money to do this.

I’m going in. I’m signing back up.

See you on the other side.

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Finish a single lipgloss

I have never done this in the entire history of my life on this planet, so my odds of achieving this resolution aren’t great, but the belief in our collective and individual ability to change is one of the driving forces of the human spirit! i’ve heard.

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That’s it! Those are my only hard-core goals this summer. I’m not making more goals because I’m trying to keep things open and loose, like your mom. You got any resolutions for a summer of fun??