Rate Anything Volume 2
robot terror, late-blooming linguists, and lobster bags
Good morning! We did house projects all weekend and I have never written a duller sentence than that before!!!
Here is some unsolicited feedback for random things, using a rating scale of 0-5 stars, with “0” being “horrible” and “5” being “excellent.”
All opinions are author’s own, and all opinions are facts.
1. 3 Ballerina Tea
* * * * 4 Stars
Are you… backed up?
I ask only because I love you. Because I care! Maybe you’re on vacation and it’s been three days and it’s all you can think about. Maybe it’s just randomly been awhile and you’re drinking tons of water and eating so much fiber and yes, you’ve tried coffee and nothing is happening and ahhhh it’s so uncomfortable OMG!!!!
Alright. If I tell you about something, I need you to promise me that you will understand that it is not for regular use, or even semi-regular use. It has nothing to do with “slimming down” or diet culture. The thing I’m going to tell you about is simply a tool – a tool only to be used in actual, honest-to-god constipation emergencies.
It’s called 3 Ballerina Tea, and I learned about it from the other teacher in my kindergarten classroom when I taught English in Taiwan in 2008. We were having a nice cup of tea together in the daily quiet moment before all hell would break loose (i.e. before the kids arrived), and as Teacher Joann set her cup down, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You cannot leave the classroom today. I’ve had a special tea.”
“Sorry?”
She patted her stomach cheerfully and said, “Today I will be in the bathroom.”
I didn’t understand. But when you are left to fend for yourself five times in one morning as hyperactive trilingual kindergartners effortlessly make fun of you in Taiwanese, Mandarin, and English, you memorably learn the power of 3 Ballerina Tea.
One cup of this stuff, and you’ll be put right in three hours. The three hours will not be the most fun you’ve ever had (do NOT get out of range of a toilet), but you’ll be cleared tf out!!! 3 Ballerina Tea is made of senna, which is apparently natural? (i’m not looking this up) and it doesn’t taste bad – just mild and kinda nutty-grassy. You can find it in almost any grocery store, and I know this, because I live in the middle of nowhere, and it’s in both the “ethnic” and “tea" sections of the oddly-laid-out regional grocery store chain that’s five minutes from my house.
Put a teabag in a lil’ plastic baggie and throw it in one of the zippered sections of your suitcase. Someday, when you’ve forgotten all about it and have spent four consecutive days in Italy eating nothing but cheese and pasta and you’re so blocked up you can hardly walk, you’ll find your 3 Ballerina teabag, and you’ll shit your brains out.
I hope you think of me.
Four stars only because when I say “don’t get out of range of a toilet,” I mean “do not physically let a toilet out of your sight for three hours.” Also, take it from someone who knows: Drinking this before bed would be… a mistake.
2. Having your GPS say “Welcome home”
-50 Stars
NOPE.
No. Absolutely the fuck not, when I’m pulling into the driveway at 1 AM after a night out, what I do NOT want is a calm, eerie voice in the darkness saying “Welcome home” to me because I forgot to turn off Google Maps. Are you kidding me!!!??! I LIVE TWO INCHES FROM THE WOODS AND DAVIN FOROGT TO LEAVE ANY LIGHTS ON, I don’t think we need a reminder that Daddy Google is always watching and knows exactly where we are at all times!! Jesus christ the dispassionate voice of a robot welcoming me home is the beginning of a horror movie!!!
NEGATIVE 50 STARS, we hate it!!!!
3. Whimsical purses
* * * * * 5 Stars
Sure, it’s cool to be cool and glamorous and appreciate grownup designer purses that cost as much as a used compact car. But have you ever tried wearing $20 worth of rhinestones glued into a fun shape and seeing what happens?
It’s magic!! Whimsical purses are magic! Look at the picture up there. Look how much fun I’m having wearing my Diet Coke purse at a queer dance night. You know how many people came up to me that night and started screaming about it? So many! You know how many babyqueers approached me in the bathroom to ask if I actually had coke? Three!!!
Three Gen Z queers thought I might be the kind of person who carries around expensive drugs! Can you imagine??
What I’m saying is: Grownup purses have their place, but whimsical purses are the most fashion fun you can have for the least amount of money.
They give queers an easy way to talk to you. Which they need!!
Whimsical purses make your night interesting, because they call the shots and remove a level of control. Like: You want to bring your phone and your wallet?
Pick one, bitch! Only one can fit inside!
You want to bring lip balm and your keys? Make the most fun choice! Lips need to stay hydrated, and you can make a friend!
Oh. You don’t wear purses? That’s OK; whimsical purses always come with a removable strap, so you can just carry it in your hand. Now it’s barely even a purse, it’s a prop! A useful prop that holds your crap and starts conversations!
Oh, these are all too femme for you?
OK, well is FANNY DEVITO too femme for you???
I thought not. Also, if you happen to be dating someone who does wear purses, maybe you can use your new whimsical purse to surprise them by carrying your own shit for once! Your partner’s love language is not having to root through their bag for your keys, did you know?
4. Automatic self-flushing toilets
0 Stars
Serious question: Can I live?
Can I go to the bathroom in a public place and sit on the toilet and not fear that it will immediately flush tiny particles of my own ~evacuations~ PLUS billions of lingering tiny particles from strangers straight back up into my business?
Am I allowed to shift even a half-inch in any direction??? IS THAT ALLOWED??
No. No, it is not. You can’t shift. At all. You can’t stay too long. You can’t reach for toilet paper. You can’t hover if the toilet is gross. You can’t wipe. All of these motions will trigger the flushing. Two, three, four times the automatic toilet will flush when you’re on it. It’s panicking! It’s so confused! It’s ready to waste more water than Phoenix gets in three years on making sure it shoots fetid droplets directly onto you!
And now? Silence. The only time the self-flushing toilet will not flush is when you ARE finished. THEN it hesitates. It gets nervous. “Are you done? Should I– no, I’ll wait.”
Moving your body out of the way doesn’t help. Waving your hand in front of the sensor does nothing. The only thing that will now get the “automatic” toilet to flush is pressing the manual button with your finger, the one thing this toilet was designed to avoid in the first place.
And when it finally does flush, it leaves water droplets on the seat, which then makes it look, to the next person to use the toilet, like you peed on the seat.
0 stars. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Technology could be improving our lives, and this is what we have instead.
5. Learning Languages Passively
* * * * * 5 Stars
Can you speak more than one language? You are a literal god!!!
IS ANYTHING COOLER than being able to speak to other people in the language their mind originally learned to think in? Is there anything more interesting than learning the common sayings other people grew up with? Could anything be more fun than trying to speak to someone, doing it badly, and watching them try not to laugh as they politely praise your terrible skills?
NO! Nothing is more fun than that. And honestly, fuck Duolingo. How many languages have I signed up for with that stupid app? (Hang on, I’m counting.) I’ve got:
French
Spanish
Italian
Mandarin
Arabic
Greek
Russian
Hindi
Latin
AND I HAVEN’T RETAINED A THING.
One day, I was driving from Northfield to the Twin Cities for the thousandth time, and I didn’t feel like listening to music or podcasts. As I drove past the corn fields, I had a brand-new thought: Were there language courses on Spotify?
Oh my god, yes. Yes, there are language courses on Spotify. I’m so sorry, you probably already know this, because duh, everyone probably knows this, but did you know you can take Mandarin lessons from native speakers for free on Spotify??? Did you know you can listen to slow, heavily enunciated conversations in Hindi with your headphones on and repeat them back while you’re doing laundry or going for a walk? Do you know what will give you a sense of pride and fulfillment that is beyond anything you’ve ever felt before?
It’s not getting a promotion at work.
It’s not winning an award.
…It’s the moment you’re in a restaurant and you hear a toddler yelling in another language and you suddenly understand what they’re saying.
What a moment. You freeze. You lift your head up, a startled moose in a vinyl booth. That toddler isn’t yelling and crying incomprehensibly. They’re hollering, “NO MORE!! I DON’T WANT IT!!!” in Mandarin, and you know they are, because you’ve been passively listening to two very patient Mandarin teachers in your car for months.
Now, I have never tried the kind of coke those babyqueers were asking me for when I went out with my Diet Coke purse, but I assume that suddenly comprehending what a toddler is saying in another language is what cocaine feels like. Like you’ve been struck by genius lightening. Like you’ve opened a door that you only thought was locked, and now you are going to energetically run through it!!!
5 stars, most of the time I wish the internet had never been invented but being able to passively listen to language lessons for free online is the future that the internet-creators maybe had in mind!
Fanny Devito! 😂
Too many evacuation-based items in today's post, please. Two too many.