Superlative Interviews: Chattin' With The Most Social Person I've Ever Met

An interview with EmJ Jakubowics

Hi bb! It’s time for another Superlative Interview!

These are interviews where I talk to someone who I consider “the most” or “the best” at something, or chat with a friend who is “my favorite ___[insert thing they are here]___.” It’s really just me gabbin’ it up with a regular queer person who happens to excel at a extremely specific thing that I want to know more about💖

I’m hyper and excited about today’s interview, because it’s with EmJ Jakubowics.

EmJ (they/them) is a close friend of mine. They’re also…

The Most Social Person I’ve Ever Met.

Period.

here is EmJ wearing matching hats with a beloved baby friend

Why am I so excited about this interview?

Because EmJ, who technically lives in Durham, NC, actually lives full-time in OppositeLand from me! They’re a lifelong resident of HangOut Town, and that is an 🌴exotic locale🌴 to someone like moi, a hardened introvert. I mean, I can be extroverted (for strictly enforced periods of three hours or less), but only if that’s followed by several days of recovery time (being quiet and seeing almost no one but Davin.) So EmJ is fascinating to me. I can’t imagine what it feels like to want to be surrounded by other people at all times.

Do you know EmJ? if you don’t already know them, you will eventually, and I’m not kidding even a little bit!! It’s 99.9% certain that you’ll cross paths with EmJ at some point, because EmJ is one of the Great Connectors in our collective gayass lives.

Scientifically speaking, it is my hypothesis that there is no living queer person who could not be connected (in some way) to EmJ in four steps or less.

I met EmJ in maybe 2012 or so, when I was living in Chicago and getting ready to spend a quiet Christmas hanging out with my friend Court. On the morning of Christmas Eve, Court offhandedly mentioned that her friend EmJ would also be joining us.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Court asked.

“Of course not!” I said.

I minded, and I spent all morning pouting about having to spend Xmas with someone I’d never even met. I even considered canceling altogether, preferring to spend Christmas alone rather than expend energy getting to know someone new on what was supposed to be a cozy, intimate holiday.

In the end, I sulkily walked over to Court’s apartment, where I had a wonderful time. Court, Emj, and I spent Christmas Eve giggling, drinking silly little drinks, and playing UNO for hours. EmJ was hilarious, and a major cheat at UNO, and we stayed up all night and went for breakfast the next day. Afterwards, I shuffled my boots home through the grey Chicago slush, unaware that I’d just met a person who would:

a) Become one of my most cherished friends

b) Introduce me to about 7,0000 other queers, thus making my life infinitely richer and gayer, and

c) Say to me, casually, while waiting in line for the giant swing ride at the Minnesota State Fair in 2016, “You know Davin’s in love with you, right?”, thus putting in motion the chain of events that would lead to Davin and I getting married.

I’ve never met anyone who likes people more than EmJ. They are always, always hosting a party, and if they’re not hosting a party, then there are just 2 -7 people over at their house, randomly, and it’s not a “party”; it’s just, like, a Tuesday.

EmJ is a fucking delight and they are HERE to SOCIALIZE and I hope you like this interview I did with them over the phone! Let’s gooooo💋💋

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Krista: Hi EmJ! Is this still a good time?

EmJ: Yeah! I’m at school. I’m between classes right now.

Krista: At school! [EmJ is getting their master’s right now.] Going to classes! A young scholar!

Emj: [cackling]

Krista: OK, well, thank you for doing this! And you know why we’re here. I think you’re the most social person I’ve ever met. I’m really interested in how you seem to get energy from other people in such a profound way. I feel like you – and maybe I’m wrong? – want to be around other people all the time. You also seem to always??? know the details of every gay drama going on with people. Like, if I want the inside scoop on drama, I go directly to you.

Wait, do you agree with how I’ve categorized you? That you’re the most social person I know?

Emj: Ha! No. But also yes. I mean, yes – I am very social and very extroverted. I do get a lot from interacting with people, but also I think the whole introversion/extroversion thing is overrated – everyone is both! I think the only thing that makes sense is like: Does it [socializing] exhaust you or not exhaust you? Because I think that's valid.

For the most part, socializing energizes me until I burn myself out, and then I need to walk alone in the woods with my dog and have a day. But it's hard to find those days because I schedule myself so hard. I think sometimes I just don't make enough space for myself, and I think I could be maybe a nicer or more chill person if I did that. I get so stimulated from people that when I’m not being stimulated, my mind goes to weird places, where I’ll be alone for the first time in long time and suddenly be like, ‘I guess that I don't have friends.’

Krista: EmJ.

EmJ: I know! It makes no sense! But yeah, to answer your question, I do get so much energy from people. And I do love to gossip. I am a true Gemini. I love it. And I like knowing what's happening with you and, you know, sharing that info, unless somebody tells me not to specifically. Which I will respect.

Krista: What would it take to burn you out?

EmJ: A trip with people will usually do it, if I’m just continuing to do stuff afterwards and not taking any time for myself.

Krista: [horrified] You’ve taken trips and then come straight home and gone directly into hanging out with more people?

EmJ: I’m just saying it can be hard to hang out for 24 hours straight with people! But it’s different with different people. And if the people who I'm around are like you and Davin, I can go for a very long time. You know – the people I really love. It's just like – it makes me last longer. But hanging out with you guys is nice because you create space to be quiet and stuff.

Krista: Are you talking about me enforcing my naptime during trips?

EmJ: Yeah! Time to be quiet. But yeah, for trips or parties, socializing with people I know really well versus socializing with people that I'm more ‘acquaintances with’ is definitely a very different kind of energy expenditure.

Krista: Do you think that you've always been as social as you are? Or did things speed up in college, or as you got older?

EmJ: I think it's sped up. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time alone. I would play alone in the woods a lot and create little games for myself. I lived in a small town, and I had my best friend, and that was all I needed. In high school, though, I was pretty social, but I wasn’t a rowdy person – like I didn't do drugs or drink alcohol or anything, and I had my group of friends. But I did just show my yearbook to somebody and they were dying because my senior yearbook page was addressed “To my six best friends.” My Top 8, you know?

It’s been a long-term thing. And then in college, when I found queer community, I was just like, “Ohh. This is so fun. Life’s so fun.” I could kiss everyone and everyone was so horny and it was just like, yes, more of this. Chasing that high forever.

Krista: What about being around lots of people is your favorite part?

EmJ: I really like connecting people to each other. I like watching that happen. I really like getting a group of people together who wouldn't necessarily maybe have met each other otherwise, and then sort of seeing how it plays out. And I just think people are really funny and I really like to laugh and I think a lot of it is all just motivation to giggle. And you know, to say funny stuff. I just think all of our friends are so hilarious. And smart. And I love the the recap after an event. I love when you’re talking to your roommate or your partner after a party and going, “Did you see this? Did you see that thing happen? I heard this.” That part is so good.

Krista: It’s so good!! Now, this a jump from that, but I want to ask you before I forget:

I would say that – along with being the most social person I’ve ever met – you probably get more FOMO than anyone I've ever met. Can you describe what FOMO feels like to you?

Emj: Yeah, it's just utter despair. Like: the knowledge that you were creating memories and forging bonds that I won't be a part of is just devastating. I will play out what everyone's gonna do and say in my head without me.

Krista: Really?

EmJ: Yes. I mean it. It's so irritating. I've thought about this a lot and talked about it in therapy. And I think that it’s anxiety. It's the way my anxiety gets. I'm not a super- anxious person – I mean, I do think I'm getting more anxious as I get older – but I also think the experience of having parents that aren't engaged with you emotionally kind of leaves this hole in you, where you're just like, Ohh, I need, you know, external validation. And I think that getting it from socializing all the time is definitely also a coping mechanism. I just think it [FOMO] is so present in my day-to-day life that it's obviously got to be a sign of something real in my psyche, and not just like, “Oh, EmJ has FOMO.” It comes from something.

Krista: I can tell you haven't thought deeply about this at all.

EmJ: [laughing] Yeah, I've never processed this – no one’s ever even brought it up before!

Krista: It’s interesting to hear you talk about FOMO because I was gonna ask you how you feel when you watch other people's Instagram stories.

Emj: I took Instagram off my phone. It was making me sad. I think it's toxic for the human mind to be able see that much information, and see that much stuff, at any time. I'm really grateful to be old enough that I remember a world before the internet, but I'm not old enough to remember, like, a breakup without the internet. And I think it’s really bad, to be able to, like, see what your ex is doing. You’re not meant to know! That's not for us to know.

It also happens with friends, though. For instance, you and Davin go to the East Coast and I'm like, “What the fuck?”

Krista: EMJ WE WERE THERE FOR TWO DAYS.

EmJ: I know! I should just be happy that my friends are traveling and doing things that makes them happy! And instead I'm like, “Why aren't you visiting me? You don't like me?” Man, this interview is gonna make me look so intense.

Krista: I think so many people will understand and identify with this feeling! It’s too much to see everything that everyone is doing.

EmJ: I also think that Instagram has just become so weird. I really like what Maddy [of the fabulous TV Dinner substack] said about Instagram going from feeling like a fun meme town and a cute space to becoming really intense and full of shaming activism. It can feel like a trauma bubble. And it’s OK to dip your toe into every once in a while, but I don't think it's something we need to interact with every day, because I think ultimately it’s just sort of designed to make people feel bad about themselves.

Having Instagram available to compare myself to – it's just been bad. So I took it off my phone and I thought it would be really hard, but it's been so lovely. To just play Wordle instead.

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Krista: OK: What would you say are the top three things that you do before you're about to have people over for a party? Like what are you racing around doing right before everyone gets there?

EmJ: Getting in the shower at the time I told everyone to arrive. And timing things badly – that’s the #1 trademark. I had a 25-person Halloween party this year and I literally decided to go out for drinks with my classmates beforehand at 5:30. I told everyone to come at 7:00.

Krista: Wow.

EmJ: Yep. And getting all the food together. I love to feed everyone. If I invite people over for a party, I usually have a full bar and lots of food. I think it’s really classy. Oh, and I’m always trying to find a way to project music in an effective way, instead of just using one tiny Bluetooth speaker, which is usually the only thing I can find at the moment. And also building a fire.

Krista: As a host, what do you love when someone brings to your house for a party?

EmJ: Oh, I fucking love when someone brings rice crispie treats and they don't all get eaten and I get to eat them.

Krista: OK, and what do you hate when someone brings?

EmJ: I hate when people bring something like a porter or stout beer or really bad wine, because they're not going to drink it and then they leave at your house and then no one's going to drink it and then it lives in the back of your fridge or pantry for a year and a half.

Krista: What would be your advice to someone who feels like they don’t have a wide social circle but really wants one?

EmJ: I think about this a lot! I know people struggle with this and it’s hard because I never want people to feel left out. I’d say: If you don’t have much connection to a big group of queers, it’s a little cliche, but joining a team or a group is a good way to connect with an instant built-in community. Especially if it’s a newer team or group, because then people don’t have their cliques yet. I also just like going to events. That’s what I think Instagram is good for – finding local organizations and seeing what they're hosting.

And also, it’s kind of like what you wrote about in your book, where you were like, “I have to talk to one person at each bar and it feels impossible, but people are generally pretty nice.” I want to say this: Don’t think that people don’t want to talk to you. That’s your own self-talk putting you down. Most people are lovely and fun to talk to.

Krista: I’m going to put “Most People Are Lovely and Fun to Talk To” on a t-shirt for you.

EmJ: They are, though!

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That’s it for this Superlative Interview! Hope you had fun getting to know your future friend EmJ! See you next time!

💋💋💋