Rate Anything Volume 6
bike saddles, bench defacement, and baby talk
Greetings from Hour 2 of the waiting room at my dad’s doctor appointment, where a nurse from the urology department just came in, clipboard in hand, and called, “David?” and EVERY MAN IN THE ROOM STOOD UP.
Four men. All named David. The nurse had to go back down the hall to find out which David the summons was for. None of the Davids laughed about it.
Ask yourself this: Are there really four humorless white men over 70 named David waiting for a urology appointment at 10:15 in the morning in Edina, Minnesota, all of them wearing glasses and varying shades of khaki cargo shorts, or are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse real?
Let’s not worry about it!
I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to worry about what I can control: my personal reactions to stuff I encounter every day!
Here is some unsolicited feedback for random things, using a rating scale of 0-5 stars, with “0” being “horrible” and “5” being “excellent.”
All opinions are author’s own, and all opinions are facts.
1. Pilot Varsity Disposable Fountain Pens
* * * * (4 Stars)
Have you ever looked at a normal pen and thought, ‘this is fine, but what if every aspect of this experience was better and simultaneously more extra?’
It could be. It really could be, babe! Did you know they make disposable fountain pens with the ink pre-loaded into them, and that they are cheap, and that each one lasts for years? Did you know that writing with these pens is fluid and effortless, the rich ink tracing delicate liquid lines onto the whiteness of your pages with a grace ballpoint pens dare only dream of? Did you know that there is a 99.999% chance that your dad will lose his mind over these pens if you get him some for his birthday?
It’s all true! Pilot Varsity disposable fountain pens are the best pens in the world. They come in lots of colors, and they have a fancy little 18th century nib, and they are easy to use, and they have a little window in the side that lets you peek at the ink sloshing around inside. These pens have a racy look to them, and if you loan one to someone, they will act as if you’ve handed them a writing implement impossible to use, like a calligrapher’s brush, or a stylus from ancient Egypt. “Which way do I hold it?” they’ll ask, looking helplessly to you —an aesthete!!!— for guidance. Then, graciously, you’ll show them, and then you’ll agree together that these are the best pens in the world.
Pilot Varsity pens are ideal for love letters. They are perfect for carelessly scrawling a grocery list in spidery cursive your partner cannot read. They are also perfect for writing furiously in your diary, because tears plopping off your nose and onto the ink from these pens make obvious TEAR DROPS on the page, which only adds to the pathos. These pens feel lightly romantic and a little affected, but they also believe in getting down to business, which is helpful when you were born to use a huge, fluffy feather quill to hand-write invitations to the ball of the season but you’re forced to be writing a check to your tax guy once a year!!
You will love these pens. Four stars only because you want to make sure you put the cap on real tight before throwing one of these in your bag, believe me.
2. Bike Seats With a Hole in the Middle
-20 Stars
These are obscene.
Look, I know what these seats are for. I know they’re designed to reduce the pressure on your crotch when you’re biking. I know they’re useful and healthful and a lot of people use them.
Knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I cannot see one of these bike seats without immediately imagining someone’s genitals looking like a face squashed into the pillow on a massage therapist’s table.
I can’t help it! I also can’t explain why regular bike seats — which absolutely mash things more — are fine! I think it’s just the attention to the area that the hole brings?? Jesus christ, there cannot be this many people with groins that require special ventilation and a custom ledge to rest on!
Anyway, -20 stars, consider this my petition to have these seats come with little attached bags, which the polite cyclist, after dismounting, would then discreetly draw over the entire seat.
3. Realtor Bench Graffiti
* * * * * (5 Stars)
Alright, who is the prankster?? Who is so silly?? Coloring in a tooth on a realtor’s face? Come on!!
I love how realtor bench defacement is inevitable in every city we all collectively live in, or have lived in, or will live in. I love how no realtor will ever be able to put their best decade-old LinkedIn picture up on public property without someone immediately drawing a mustache on it. I love how it gets me every time, the sharpied-out tooth alerting me that there is a silly goose on the loose in the neighborhood!
You’re trying to make me laugh as I shuffle glumly along in the street? It’s working, darlin’! Never in the history of the world has this not been funny!
Ageless! Timeless! Five wholehearted stars for pure comedy!!
4. Adults using baby words
* (1 Star)
Yucky. Spooky. Stinky.
Absolutely the fuck not.
If you’re over 65 and typing “Sounds yummy!” into the comment box under an online recipe for a No Bake Chocolate Cool Whip pie, you get a one-time pass, but everyone else? YIKES DUDE.
I just — you’re a well-dressed 50 yo gynecologist telling me you’re gonna put your hands on my “tummy” for a minute? Are you kidding me?
A waiter bringing tiny bowls of “num-nums for the table.” A 35 yo acquaintance telling me she has an “owie” and then showing me her ripped to shreds knee. This has to stop!!! All of it. Right now. I can’t keep my face neutral anymore, and also??? I don’t think I should have to.
I will say that — while nothing can prepare you for your repeat-offender, straight, grown-adult work colleague saying, “I hafta go potty” in a cutesy voice before everyone leaves the hotel restaurant — you don’t have to take it. You have the power to make the night so! much! weirder! if you then look into your colleague’s eyes and say, “Your needs don’t have to be small and cute to get met.”
If you do it in a friendly way, you might learn a lot about this co-worker when she later orders you both mojitos at the bar and really wants to talk about her husband. And on a work trip? That shit’s fun!
Adults using baby words would ordinarily get ten million negative stars from me, but I guess?? it gets one grudging star for being a revealing clue into someone’s psyche, and also for giving me the opportunity to yell “YOU SHOULD DIVORCE HIM” in the lobby bar of a really expensive hotel in Georgia. One star it is!!
Your needs don’t have to be small and cute to get met. Ka-blow!
You are such a funny bitch, thank you for making my day brighter every Tuesday. Makes me glad to be gay in a world with you in it.